It Doesn't Get Easier

It's been a good long while since I've pulled up the ol' adoption blog. But when I got a card this week from an old friend who is now walking through the hard season of adoption and said she was re-reading some of my earlier posts, it made me think that now might be a good time to pick up the proverbial pen again and share some of our most recent seasons with you. 

Photo by stefan moertl on Unsplash

I wish I could say it was all sunshine and roses now. But I can't. This has been one of the most challenging Christmas seasons we've had in the eight Christmases we've celebrated with the kids. Although 2023 hasn't been a walk in the park with some of the kids (pushing boundaries, dealing with some serious issues, etc.), I have seen the way that God has been growing in the four who are still with us. I have watched Him knit us closer to Him and closer together as a family. It has been encouraging to see, especially the middle two, start to step out into their faith and dig a little bit deeper. 

Each Monday night, I meet with those two girls to work through a discipleship program from YWAM (Youth With A Mission). It's led to many good discussions, and while every week isn't deep and amazing, the ones that go deeper leave me with a sense that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I see God at work. I see His hand on their lives, and I see them starting to think a little bit differently. The older of the two has really made some huge strides in her walk with Jesus this year, and I am grateful for the ways in which God has allowed me to be a part of her journey.

On Tuesdays, I meet with the youngest two, and we read some simple Bible storybooks. Their level of understanding and comprehension is still a bit younger than their physical age, so it works for them. I tried going deeper, but the timing wasn't right yet, so we read about David and Daniel, we study Jesus paying taxes with the coin from a fish, and we talk about how they've done over the week. Have they been kind? Loving? Selfless? Have they paid attention to the ways that they can love God and love people? It's also been good...for them and for me. 

We're in our fourth year of homeschooling. Because of some struggles early on, and the ways in which they got behind in some basics (which we had to go back and focus on), we made the choice to study year-round, with occasional breaks, in order to keep them as close to their grade levels as possible. I'd rather they be a little behind but grasping the concepts well. In late summer, I brought a Bible reading program into our daily curriculum. It was something I had been doing, personally, for the last three years, which used to be called "Community Bible Reading" but is now renamed "Seeing Jesus Together." Basically, you read the entire Bible through in two years. 

In the months that we have been doing this together, five mornings a week, it has been like the glue that has made everything stick. Each morning we take our Bibles, various versions, and we read them silently. I gave them all notebooks to write down prayers, questions, or passages that stuck out to them. When the last child finishes reading, we all discuss what we learned, what stood out to us, or what we didn't understand. We read various commentaries and discuss the differences in translations. It has been so good for all of us and has totally changed the dynamics of our day.

So that's all the good. That's the stuff that I'd like to focus on, and then hit "Publish" and walk away. But I can't. Because we don't just have four kids. We adopted five. 

Our eldest is walking her own path. It started back in 2020 and has continued through her final years with us and her years out on her own. Her poor choices and actions continue to affect our family, and I struggle with both anger and sorrow over that. This week, in fact, found me crying out to God (and just plain crying) that He would move in some way. Crying out that He would take the anger I had towards her, and show me how I can love her because He does.

Having younger kids was hard. Having an adult child who is an adult in name only, might be harder. When she comes into the house reeking like an illegal substance, I want to vomit. When she leaves, and our house still smells like it, I struggle with hatred and anger and all the fleshly thoughts. When she acts like everything is okay, but she's clearly falling apart, my heart breaks for her. And yet, at this point in her adult life, there is nothing I can do, besides pray and give the best counsel I can when it is requested...even if it's immediately tossed aside. 

I know I am not alone. I have heard from other adoptive and foster parents (and even biological parents) who are dealing with similar issues. But there are times when it feels like I'm walking in darkness. When she is with us, she puts a pall over everything. I hate the fact that I feel this way about a human being who shares my last name and DNA with my other children, but doesn't feel like a part of my family at all. All her own choice, I might add. As she continues to spiral downward (and she is), there is going to come a moment when we have to protect her siblings from her lifestyle choices. There are days when I utterly hate that this is my life. 

Let me be clear: God called us to do this. He called us to do hard. He called us to die to flesh and kill off the selfishness that so permeated our lives. And He did that through the adoption. He did that by using these kids to be in our face, every day, reminding us of our need for Jesus and His sanctifying work. He continues to do it now as he even uses our eldest, in all of her self-centeredness, to point out idols in my life that I have been blind to. I strive to find ways to give thanks, to see the good, but, and I'm just being totally honest here, because this week has been HARD, there are times when I look at God and ask, "Why?" Why did you make me do this? Why are you taking me through this? Why did you put her in my life? We obeyed you, we did what You asked us to do, we took in these kids and turned our life right side up, so why aren't they all walking with You? 

There's never a guarantee. You may upend your life, and it may all fall apart anyway. You may feel like you haven't made a bit of a difference in the life of the child. It may seem as if everything you've said or done has gone unnoticed or unappreciated. But we can only see the chapter that we're in, we cannot see the end of the story.   

This morning, while scrolling on IG for a few minutes before the day started, I came across this quote from one of my favorite pastors/writers, A.W. Tozer. It seems like an appropriate way to end this post because, ultimately, it's not about us. It's not about having an easy life or a good life. It's not about having all of your kids walk with Jesus or do the things you know they could if they just tried. It's not about what the world thinks of you, whether you are a "success" as a parent or not. It's all about the process of sanctification, walking with Jesus - in the darkness and in the light. Being faithful to the calling He has given you, and tuning into His Spirit before you get to the end of your rope. 

And if you feel like you're alone in this journey, you're not. There are lots of us, stabbing blindly around, hoping we get it right, and praying for the strength to get through another day. Hang in there.

"When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it resolves a great deal of anxiety."

A.W. Tozer

Adoption is NOT...

Six and a half years ago, God turned our lives right side up when He led us to adopt a group of five siblings from a country in Central America. It has been, hands down, the most challenging and rewarding life adventure we have ever undertaken. And I wouldn't have done it at all if God had not clearly instructed us to do so (if you're new and have never read our story, I'd suggest you start there).

Personal Photo Property of CG Koens - DO NOT use without permission

If you're thinking about adoption, know someone who adopted, or once watched a heart-tugging video about adoption, you might have a slightly skewed view of what it entails. I cannot speak from experience when it comes to domestic adoptions, but I can share a taste of our experience adopting from outside of the United States. And no matter where your child was born, there are some overlapping commonalities in what they might struggle with. 

As I lay awake late one night, after having received multiple texts from our adult child, who continues to struggle with depression and anxiety, the idea of this post came to mind. There are so many things adoption is, and I will write about those in a different post, but I felt it was also important to share the things adoption isn't. 

Adoption is NOT going to "fix" the kids. 

Like it or not, you are simply the newest change in their lives. After we'd been home about 9 months, our middle daughter looked at us one day over dinner and, in her still-thick Spanish accent, asked me, "When do we move to the next house?" Thinking that she meant that we were going to sell and move, I asked her to clarify. "You know, when are we moving to the next people, to their house?" 

While I processed what she was saying, she continued to calmly shovel food into her mouth, as if she had just asked the most normal thing in the world. And for her, it was. I was just the next caregiver in a long line of the ones she'd had in her seven short years on this earth.

Adoption is NOT the same thing as a "regular" family. 

No matter how much we love and care for them, we're not the same thing as being loved and wanted by their biological family. That is a barrier that is very hard to overcome. Recently, my kids asked me how old their mom was. Questions like this still catch me off guard, but I try to answer them as matter-of-factly as I can...because I will never be their first mom.

All the love, care, attention, and support in the world doesn't change the fact that I can't tell them their birth story, if they were fussy babies or when they slept through the night. I can't tell them what their first word was or which cousin or grandmother they look like, and the list goes on. 

Adoption is NOT a free pass to tell their story to anyone who asks. 

My kids each have a story. Every story is different, even though they are all biologically related. Each one has their own memories (or lack of them), experiences, feelings, and ways of processing. And it's not mine to tell. 

People often ask about their "real family," but I refuse to get into the "gorey details" of their conception and early family life, before we met them. You don't need to know. Don't judge my kids by where they started (they had no choice in that)...rather, judge them by who they are becoming and the content of their developing character.

Adoption is NOT easy. 

Although there were moments when I laughed in understanding while watching Instant Family, the fact that it was all wrapped up in a nice bow at the end didn't ring true to me. At least, not to our story. If you think that the sun will come out tomorrow...let me tell you...Annie is also a fantasy. 

Do our kids love us now? Yes, I believe they do, to the best of their abilities. Do I believe all the rough days are behind us? Not on your life. There is always something that comes out of the blue, triggers a kid, or causes an avalanche of emotions to come pouring out. 

Adoption is NOT for everyone. 

Before you decide that adoption is for you, take a long, hard look at your motivations, and be brutally honest. 

• If you're adopting because you've always wanted to be a parent, and you're looking for a sense of fulfillment - stop. 
• If you're adopting because you want to "save" children from a difficult environment - stop. 
• If you're adopting and you think the kids will be grateful - stop. 

If you're not ready to sacrifice flesh and die to self...well...welcome to the club! It's amazing how God uses tiny little people to reveal the ugliness of our own hearts. If that's something you know you need, but you are afraid of the pain of doing it, I would say you are ready. Buckle up for the ride!

Final Thoughts

If you've personally adopted, what would you add to this list? I could have gone on, but according to people who know more than me, no one reads long blog posts anymore. This one is probably too long already, but it's a starting point. I'd love to hear your thoughts, whether we agree or not, so click that comment button and let's have a conversation!