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| Personal Photo Property of CG Koens - DO NOT use without permission |
If you're thinking about adoption, know someone who adopted, or once watched a heart-tugging video about adoption, you might have a slightly skewed view of what it entails. I cannot speak from experience when it comes to domestic adoptions, but I can share a taste of our experience adopting from outside of the United States. And no matter where your child was born, there are some overlapping commonalities in what they might struggle with.
As I lay awake late one night, after having received multiple texts from our adult child, who continues to struggle with depression and anxiety, the idea of this post came to mind. There are so many things adoption is, and I will write about those in a different post, but I felt it was also important to share the things adoption isn't.
Adoption is NOT going to "fix" the kids.
Like it or not, you are simply the newest change in their lives. After we'd been home about 9 months, our middle daughter looked at us one day over dinner and, in her still-thick Spanish accent, asked me, "When do we move to the next house?" Thinking that she meant that we were going to sell and move, I asked her to clarify. "You know, when are we moving to the next people, to their house?"
While I processed what she was saying, she continued to calmly shovel food into her mouth, as if she had just asked the most normal thing in the world. And for her, it was. I was just the next caregiver in a long line of the ones she'd had in her seven short years on this earth.
Adoption is NOT the same thing as a "regular" family.
No matter how much we love and care for them, we're not the same thing as being loved and wanted by their biological family. That is a barrier that is very hard to overcome. Recently, my kids asked me how old their mom was. Questions like this still catch me off guard, but I try to answer them as matter-of-factly as I can...because I will never be their first mom.
All the love, care, attention, and support in the world doesn't change the fact that I can't tell them their birth story, if they were fussy babies or when they slept through the night. I can't tell them what their first word was or which cousin or grandmother they look like, and the list goes on.
Adoption is NOT a free pass to tell their story to anyone who asks.
My kids each have a story. Every story is different, even though they are all biologically related. Each one has their own memories (or lack of them), experiences, feelings, and ways of processing. And it's not mine to tell.
People often ask about their "real family," but I refuse to get into the "gorey details" of their conception and early family life, before we met them. You don't need to know. Don't judge my kids by where they started (they had no choice in that)...rather, judge them by who they are becoming and the content of their developing character.
Adoption is NOT easy.
Although there were moments when I laughed in understanding while watching Instant Family, the fact that it was all wrapped up in a nice bow at the end didn't ring true to me. At least, not to our story. If you think that the sun will come out tomorrow...let me tell you...Annie is also a fantasy.
Do our kids love us now? Yes, I believe they do, to the best of their abilities. Do I believe all the rough days are behind us? Not on your life. There is always something that comes out of the blue, triggers a kid, or causes an avalanche of emotions to come pouring out.
Adoption is NOT for everyone.
Before you decide that adoption is for you, take a long, hard look at your motivations, and be brutally honest.
- If you're adopting because you've always wanted to be a parent, and you're looking for a sense of fulfillment - stop.
- If you're adopting because you want to "save" children from a difficult environment - stop.
- If you're adopting and you think the kids will be grateful - stop.
If you're not ready to sacrifice flesh and die to self...well...welcome to the club! It's amazing how God uses tiny little people to reveal the ugliness of our own hearts. If that's something you know you need, but you are afraid of the pain of doing it, I would say you are ready. Buckle up for the ride!
Final Thoughts
If you've personally adopted, what would you add to this list? I could have gone on, but according to people who know more than me, no one reads long blog posts anymore. This one is probably too long already, but it's a starting point. I'd love to hear your thoughts, whether we agree or not, so click that comment button and let's have a conversation!
