"This should be obvious, but..." Advice from an Adoptive Mom of 5

People who know we adopted 5 kids have often asked me if I have any advice for other families who are looking to adopt. I find this to be a difficult question to answer because there's so much I want to say that would be utterly and completely against every adoption book or training we read or received while in this years-long process. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut, and turn down offers to share on blogs and social accounts, because our story is really just the story of God working through two broken vessels. 

In the end, our great big parenting secret involves reading the Bible, and choosing to obey it. When we were at a loss - and there have been many, many times when we have looked at each other and said, "What in the WORLD do we do?!" - God has brought a specific verse or passage to mind, giving us clarity and insight into how to apply it in our particular situation. God's Word is the best parenting handbook out there, whether you gave birth to your children or someone else did.

Advice point #2: You want to adopt or have a biological child? Get on your knees NOW. We would not be where we are today if we had tried to rely on the wisdom of man, whether that be ours, or someone else's. These kids - just like all kids, biological or adopted - belong to God, and He has given them to us for a period of time to teach and love and nurture and instruct. We knew nothing about being a parent - just like all first-time parents - and we have relied on the strength and wisdom of God to guide us, because He knows these kids better than we do. Parenting methods, cultural norms, and social biases may change, but God is the SAME - yesterday, today, and forever.

Another piece of the puzzle is to recognize individuality. Whether you're adopting one kid or five, or if you're raising biological kids, keep this in mind: no two kids are alike. Sure, some of our kids have similar personalities, but each one responds differently to correction, and the choice of corrective measure changes based on what makes each kid tick. In our five, we have a broad spectrum of personalities. One child wants to be in the center of every activity, telling everyone what to do and how to do it right - so to remove that child from the situation and go to another room is pure torture because they are no longer in control. Another child will listen to your reasons for changing behavior, and then usually removes herself to a solitary location to think it over and/or calm down. The point is: you can ask other parents what they do, but in the end you just have to get to know your own kids and then do what works best for each child. Yes, it takes work. It's called, "being a parent" - so deal with it and do it.

Finally, there's all the unsolicited advice you will receive. While people mean well (most of the time), the fact of the matter is - they aren't in your shoes. Like the Madagascar penguins, just smile and wave, boys, smile and wave. After four years with our kids, my parents (who also raised five children - all biological) finally came to me and said, "We had no idea what you were getting into. We've never dealt with what you're dealing with. And we have no advice to give you, because God is clearly giving you what you need for these kids." Yes, thank you. He has, He is, and He will. 

But to tell people to butt out or mind their own business won't get you anywhere either, so when those folks come along and tell you how to do it better or do it differently, grit your teeth, thank them for their input, and maybe even spend some time considering what they've said and if there's any merit to it at all. Because sometimes there is. Sometimes you are blind to a situation because you're right in the middle of it, living with it day in and day out. Sometimes you're just surviving. And so be open to the idea that, just maybe, there may be a nugget of truth in what they say. As I've been known to tell various kids on occasion: be willing to be wrong. If you can't be wrong, you can't learn. 

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TALK TO ME! If you've ever adopted or had children, if you were adopted, or if you've worked with children or are a childless individual who has ideas (because, believe it or not, a bunch of the theories we had before becoming parents, were actually valid - just because you're not a parent, doesn't mean you can't see an issue or offer a suggestion!), what would you add? I'd love to hear from you...even if we disagree. 😊

Adoption is Hard

Facebook memories keep popping up to remind me of what was happening in our lives four years ago. In all honesty, part of me wants to forget four years ago ever happened, and just live in the now, when the waters have calmed by 1000%. But the moment we're in wouldn't be happening if we hadn't gone through hell-on-earth first.

Adoption is hard.

It's hard on the kids.

It's hard on the (new) parents.

It's hard on the extended family, who can only watch and pray.

It's hard on friends who want to help, but feel helpless.

Adoption is hard. But God is good. 

Photo by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash

Four years ago, the 12 year old hated our guts and had no intention of saying "yes" to the judge and allowing the adoption to go through. She didn't want us, and I didn't want her. BUT GOD had other plans.

Four years ago, the 8 year old came in like a hurricane wrapped in a tornado, with an earthquake thrown in for good measure. Her outward expressions of anger unknowingly mirroring my inward screams of angst against God for making me do this. I could never love her or them. BUT GOD knew otherwise.

Four years ago, the 6 year old played every card in her repertoire to figure out how to get what she wanted. Depending on the moment she would be loving and affectionate, sullen and silent, floppy and pathetic (unable to do so much as pick up a crayon), or sad and weepy. Manipulation and deception had been her tools for survival until meeting us. I couldn't deal with that kind of behavior. BUT GOD could.

Four years ago, the 5 year old who had spent his short life (most of it in the government-sponsored children's home) being told that (as a male) he was born to be happy, was confused and angered when he came up against rules and boundaries. Spending hours repeatedly placing him back on a stool in a corner of our rented kitchen was not anyone's idea of fun. I couldn't fathom this being my life for the foreseeable future. The boy would never change. BUT GOD was already writing his story.

Four years ago, the 4 year old who idolized her oldest sister and screamed at the top of her lungs whenever I got close to her (I later found out that the oldest had told the youngest that I was an alien come to eat her 👽), tested every fiber of my being. She was trouble wrapped up in a cute outer package. And I was convinced she would never like me. BUT GOD is in the people-changing business.

Adoption is hard. But God is SO good.

Four years later, as I remember back to how they were - and compare them to who they are today - I am in awe of GOD and His work in all of us. As the 16 year old (who still calls me Carrie, because "mom" is reserved for the woman who gave birth to her) frequently communicates through funny GIFs and surprises me with Starbucks that she paid for with the money she's earned by babysitting...I often have to sit back and ask myself, "Who IS this child?" And the answer - as it is with all of them - is that she is a child of God. God has been at work in her since the day she opened her heart to Him, and the change is unreal. 

If the Carrie of four years ago could have had a momentary glimpse of what the Carrie of today lives with, she might have had more patience in the moment. But for so many reasons, I'm thankful that God doesn't allow us the opportunity to see the future, because part of what makes today so sweet is knowing where we started, and all the hard lessons learned along the way. 

Learning to let go.  

Learning to fully trust Him when I couldn't see the forest for the trees. 

Learning that I knew nothing and could do nothing without Him. 

Learning to choose, every moment, to be obedient to His calling. 

Learning that I couldn't hide in the pantry forever, and there were only so many tears to shed and packs of fruit snacks to eat before I had to go back out and deal with these tiny, angry, little sinners who God sent to my house to invade my comfortable Christian bubble.  

And I'm so grateful, in His mercy, that He did. 

New To Homeschool? Take a Breath...

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, back in the mid-80's, there was a young girl who's parents decided to take a different educational path with her than they had with her four older siblings. The girl's mother, a teacher, went to a local bookstore for research and the owner asked her if she had considered homeschooling. She left with a set of Mary Pride's books on Home Learning, and read them late into the night. That was the beginning of a journey that the parents agreed to try for one year. One year led to two, and then three, and eventually the girl graduated (a year early) from high school, having successfully completed 12 years of education at home, and went on to attend the college of her choice. When, after a year and a half of traditional in-class work, she heard about a new online option to complete her degree, she jumped on board, dialed-up (literally), and two and a half years (and several Dean's Lists later), graduated with a Bachelor of Science in English. Because, hey...once you start living life outside the box, why not keep going, right? After graduation she spent several years working abroad with her husband, and eventually returned to the U.S. where she built a successful career doing freelance writing and editing, and eventually adopted five children from Costa Rica.

Hi. I'm Carrie, and I was homeschooled. I share this as an encouragement to you, especially those of you who may have been forced into homeschooling this year (thanks to COVID), and are afraid that you may have just irreversibly screwed up your kids. Trust me, you haven't. 

Despite the homeschool critic's age-old battle cry of "what about socialization?" I can, in fact, carry on an intelligent conversation with individuals of all ages, races, cultures, and viewpoints. I wasn't socially awkward (well, anymore than I would have been anyway, as an introvert), and I held my own in every university I attended (three, in total, thanks to an early marriage and moving around). I grew up with both homeschool and public school friends, traveled extensively, and generally enjoyed the benefits of education at home. 

When people find out that I was homeschooled, I have been told (more than once) that I seem "so normal." Hmm...thanks...I think. Normal was never my goal, by the way. Were there people we knew who shouldn't have homeschooled? Absolutely. But the same could be said of some teachers we've met over the years (who shouldn't be in a classroom). So it goes both ways. 

Photo by Thomas Kolnowski on Unsplash

Now, let me tell you another chapter of this story...

Four years ago I had homeschool curriculum all ready, bookshelves stocked, and idealistic dreams of bringing five kids home and spending our days together, learning English and building relationships. And then we met the kids. #realitycheck

Within days of our first meeting, I was in a full-blown panic, and fearfully told Peter that I just didn't know how I could homeschool these kids. Not only could I not communicate with them due to the language barrier, but they all hated me (and, let's be honest, the feeling was pretty mutual at that time). Much to my surprise, he agreed. And then, even more to my surprise, so did my parents...and all of our friends in the homeschool world. And suddenly we were back to square one, and I found myself thinking of something I never imagined doing: maybe we should put them in public school. 

As a homeschool graduate, it almost felt like blasphemy to even think it, let alone act on it, but when you feel like you're drowning, you find you'll reach out for any hand that is held out. And so we reached out via email to a friend back in our hometown, who connected us to our local public school, and four of the kids were registered before we ever got on a plane to come home. Meanwhile, my mother trekked to a small private school and spent an hour talking to the headmaster about options for our oldest. Within a week of landing on U.S. soil, all of the kids were in their respective schools. That first year was hard, but it was made easier by the tribes that we found to help us out.

For school year two, we moved them all to the same private school, where they stayed for the next two years, making things considerably easier on myself. I briefly considered homeschooling when our oldest graduated from 8th grade, but I still felt panicked at the idea of having them all home, all day, every day, so instead, we moved our two oldest to a larger private school, and I did the car line runaround every day of the week. I told anyone who would listen that if God wanted me to homeschool these kids, He was going to have to put a neon light in the sky. 

For the record, I apologize to the world for the neon light, also known as COVID-19. 

I should really know better by now than to tell God that I need neon lights. First it got me five kids when I never planned to be a parent, and then it landed me in the teacher's chair when I clearly changed my major in college from education to general studies. But here we are. 

As He did in giving me almost two years to get used to the idea of becoming a mom to five, God was once again gracious in beginning the nudge to homeschool last summer, allowing me to refrain, and then bringing the kids home in March (thanks to the coronavirus) for a "try before you buy" option. Whether I wanted to have them home all day, all the time, or not...they suddenly were. And I was suddenly responsible for making sure they got their assigned work done and being a lot more hands-on with their education. If you have school-age kids, you know what I'm talking about. We were all in the same boat. 

But what I discovered surprised me. Not only was it not as bad as I thought it would be, but I found myself being underwhelmed by what they knew - or were expected to know. And the wheels started turning. Both Peter and I believe in holding the bar high for what we know they are capable of achieving, and we also knew that enrolling all five in the larger private school - as we intended - was going to really stretch the budget. In addition to that, I was watching all the COVID panic unfold, and I didn't see an end in sight. Something told me that school was not going to play out as usual for the 20/21 school year, and whether we could swing it financially or not, I might still end up with all five of them doing school from home. 

The final nail in the coffin came when my primary client dropped my hours by about 90% (directly linked to the impact of the virus on businesses everywhere). With my loss of income, there was no way that we would be able to swing five kids in a private school, and in an instant, I knew that the decision had been made for me. I informed the school that our circumstances had changed and we would not be able to return this fall, and spent the next two days researching curriculum, buying lesson plan books, and registering with HomelifeAcademy and HSLDA. I had come full circle: from homeschool student to homeschool mom. 

Knowing that there would be no summer camps or ways to fill the endless summer days (after an endless spring at home), I made the decision to begin school in mid-June, just two weeks after the 19/20 school year ended. There were a few minor complaints from the kids, but since they quickly realized there was nothing else to fill their days, we all settled in pretty quickly and found our groove. In the two and a half months that we have been plugging away, I've seen massive growth in all of them. Those who were struggling to read when they came home in March, are now reading their history and science text books solo, and making A's on their (closed book) tests and quizzes. The ones who balked at being expected to actually read for understanding and remember what they learned, have now figured out ways to study for exams and are pointing out vocabulary words in the books that they're choosing to read for fun in their free time. 

Let me be clear: I am still not a teacher. But no one cares more about these kids and their academic and life success, than I do. And that's all that matters in the end. I am personally invested in making sure they have what they need to be successful, and I get excited when I see something click in their heads as they read or study. There's no greater "high" as a teacher or mom than to see the light bulb moments, and to feed into their interests so that they realize that learning doesn't just happen in a classroom...it happens in life. Right now, on the base of the world globe that is sitting on my desk, you would find a dead beetle, two cicada shells, a blue egg shell, several bird feathers, and a slowly dehydrating fly that we're still attempting to identify. 

As we have done from the beginning of our parenting journey, we are just taking this one school year at a time. I may still be finding my way as a homeschool mom and teacher, but as a homeschool graduate, I can say with confidence that if you're concerned that your kids won't come out of this year the same, you'd be absolutely right. They will come out with more confidence, a variety of usable life skills, and a new way of relating to you as someone other than the person who puts food on the table. Go forth and conquer...

The #AdoptiveMom: Thoughts on COVID-19, Consistency, and Time

It's been three and a half years since we met our kids for the first time. It often feels like a lifetime to me, but realistically, three and a half years isn't that long ago, if you think of it in terms of other life events. For example...

• A 3.5 year old child might have only recently ditched the diapers.
• It takes 4 years to get through college.
• If you've been married for "almost...a long time" (Taylor Mason reference starts at the 1:58 mark) and you meet someone who says they've been married for 3.5 years, you smile in that knowing way and mentally pat them on the head (oh, come on...you know you do!).

But after the initial adoption adjustment phase, when life becomes normal...or at least a new version of normal...it can be easy to forget how short a time three and a half years really is for a child who has spent the majority of their life in flux. When their life is chopped up into before and after segments, especially if they are older at adoption, it shouldn't be a surprise when they lash out during change, especially if that change is totally unplanned - like the current "stay-at-home" requirements for COVID-19. 

Photo by James Besser on Unsplash

Most of our crew have done just fine with the adjustment from going all the time to 24/7 life at home, but there have been a few little signs of an undercurrent of uncertainty, which usually come to light in the form of old habits resurfacing. When everything is out of their control, we've noticed some of our kids reacting in ways that we thought we had moved beyond. From the family control freak (and no, this time it's not me!) arguing everything, to the child who continues to fill the dinner plate until we catch on and issue a "cease and desist," each child has reverted to an old pattern of behavior, reminding us that ingrained survival instincts will resurface when faced with change. 

Initially, we found ourselves becoming frustrated with them when we had to deal with behaviors that have not been the acceptable norm (and they know it) for a very long time (long, again, being relative to how long we've all known each other!). But once it clicked with us that somewhere, even on a subconscious level, their "fight or flight" responses were kicking in, it cleared things up for these two INTJs, and we changed our tactics and mindsets. Whether it's dealing with fighting, food, fear, neediness, or anger, we've been doing our best to assure them that some things are not changing. 

• We're not going anywhere...and neither are they. 
• We still have plenty to eat, money for bills, and toilet paper in the bathroom.
• We still love them, unconditionally.
• We still have boundaries, and there are still consequences for certain behaviors.

That last point is one that I want to emphasize. It can be easy to think, "Oh, so much has changed for them, and now I have to be teacher and mom/dad as well...maybe I'll just let some stuff slide." So hear me, loud and clear: DON'T DO IT. If your kids are used to your "yes being yes" and your "no being no," don't stop doing that now! Yes, they may be knee-jerking back to their survival responses, but that's no reason to let things slide. In fact, they need consistency from you, now more than ever. They need to know that even though it seems like the whole world is going crazy, you (and the family rules and expectations) remain the same. That's something they can count on, and one of the easiest things for you to provide. Trust me, you will both be happier. 

There will be hard days and difficult weeks. There will be times when a child acts out and you are already about to lose it and your response will be less than stellar (don't ask me how I know that, just know that it's safe to assume I'm speaking from experience!), but don't give up and don't dwell on it. Apologize when you blow up, model humility, seek forgiveness (theirs and God's) and use this time to grow closer as a family. Look at it as an opportunity to learn more about them, to really get involved in their education - not just triage their crisis busywork, and to spend time together as a family. Play games, make popcorn, go outside in your backyard, serve ice cream for snack, plant a garden, and say "yes" more often than you say "no" (I even said "yes" to making SLIME!!). It may be that this period of uncertainty in the world will help cement you as a certainty in their lives.

Learning from the Darkness

Adoption is not easy.

But then again, neither is being a parent. Or dealing with illness. Or caring for aging family members. Or being single when you want to be married. Or being in a difficult marriage. Or being a widow when you wanted to grow old together. Life is full of challenges or, as our pastor said yesterday, trials.

But do you know Who's standing right in the middle of those trials, holding out His hand and asking you, "Do you trust Me?" Oh friends...trust Jesus! When you can't see the forest for the trees, when you find yourself responding more and more out of human motivations and frustrations, when the darkness is closing in and the light seems out of reach...JESUS IS THERE.

Three years ago, I couldn't see the light. I couldn't even imagine standing where we are today as a family. The sludge of daily life was sucking me downward, and my anger at God for this calling He placed on our lives was threatening to overtake me as I struggled to love five unlovable kids. I wanted my old life back. I wanted easy. I wanted freedom. I wanted the familiar. Have you been there? Or perhaps you're there even now, as you read this.

Here's the good news for those of you in the midst of the muck: it can get better, but only through total surrender. Not because of any book or blog you read. Not because you discipline consistently or love unconditionally or pray faithfully, but because God is in the people-changing business. Oh, to be sure, those things can help, and God can use them as tools to instruct us, but it is only when we stop striving on our own - depending only on those things (if I just read the right book, if I find the right counselor, if I take the right class, if I follow the right schedule...) - that we experience growth and maturity and can see the hands of God at work.

Yesterday I found myself frustrated with one of the kids, and ready to respond out of that feeling, but one of the things that God has been teaching me since becoming a parent is that I need to be still a whole lot more often and let Him run the conversation. In fact, for the last few months it has been my daily prayer that I would be Spirit-led, not Carrie-led. The result last night was a deep and fulfilling, real and raw conversation that would not have taken place had I responded in the way I wanted to originally. 

As I lay in bed afterwards, I thought about three years ago with this same child. I thought about the tears I cried as I asked God over and over why He made me go through this; why He put any of these kids in our lives, but specifically this one. I could never see myself loving this child, never imagine life being anything but difficult. Despite all the lessons God taught me about trusting Him in the time leading up to our adoption, in the middle of the trials God grew small in my mind once again, unconsciously thinking that He wasn't big enough to change this child—or even change me.

As I lay there last night and thought about the conversation that had just taken place with this same child - after a day of difficulty - I knew why He ALLOWED me to do this. Because, friends, this season of difficulty and trials wasn't something God made me do, but something that He has used to refine and mature me. THIS has purpose. THIS has meaning. THIS is why I was put on this earth—not to do what I want and follow my own path. Not to self-care my way through life, thinking only of what makes me feel good, but to DIE to self, to LIVE for Christ. To pick up my cross daily, and surrender to His plans; to be a vessel that He can use in the lives of these children, and others, for His glory.

So maybe you didn't choose singleness or widowhood. Maybe your plans didn't include caring for aging parents or battling the darkness of depression or spending months in the hospital with a sick child. Well, guess what? I never wanted to be a mother, and yet here I am. Why? Because God knew that left to my own devices, I would happily wallow in the mire of selfish love, while speaking loftily of the need to point people to Christ. What I have learned through fear and anxiety, adoption and parenthood, is it is only when we get to the end of ourselves that we discover the power that is found in Him. Growth comes in the darkness. Hallelujah!