The #AdoptiveMom: Thoughts on COVID-19, Consistency, and Time

It's been three and a half years since we met our kids for the first time. It often feels like a lifetime to me, but realistically, three and a half years isn't that long ago, if you think of it in terms of other life events. For example...

• A 3.5 year old child might have only recently ditched the diapers.
• It takes 4 years to get through college.
• If you've been married for "almost...a long time" (Taylor Mason reference starts at the 1:58 mark) and you meet someone who says they've been married for 3.5 years, you smile in that knowing way and mentally pat them on the head (oh, come on...you know you do!).

But after the initial adoption adjustment phase, when life becomes normal...or at least a new version of normal...it can be easy to forget how short a time three and a half years really is for a child who has spent the majority of their life in flux. When their life is chopped up into before and after segments, especially if they are older at adoption, it shouldn't be a surprise when they lash out during change, especially if that change is totally unplanned - like the current "stay-at-home" requirements for COVID-19. 

Photo by James Besser on Unsplash

Most of our crew have done just fine with the adjustment from going all the time to 24/7 life at home, but there have been a few little signs of an undercurrent of uncertainty, which usually come to light in the form of old habits resurfacing. When everything is out of their control, we've noticed some of our kids reacting in ways that we thought we had moved beyond. From the family control freak (and no, this time it's not me!) arguing everything, to the child who continues to fill the dinner plate until we catch on and issue a "cease and desist," each child has reverted to an old pattern of behavior, reminding us that ingrained survival instincts will resurface when faced with change. 

Initially, we found ourselves becoming frustrated with them when we had to deal with behaviors that have not been the acceptable norm (and they know it) for a very long time (long, again, being relative to how long we've all known each other!). But once it clicked with us that somewhere, even on a subconscious level, their "fight or flight" responses were kicking in, it cleared things up for these two INTJs, and we changed our tactics and mindsets. Whether it's dealing with fighting, food, fear, neediness, or anger, we've been doing our best to assure them that some things are not changing. 

• We're not going anywhere...and neither are they. 
• We still have plenty to eat, money for bills, and toilet paper in the bathroom.
• We still love them, unconditionally.
• We still have boundaries, and there are still consequences for certain behaviors.

That last point is one that I want to emphasize. It can be easy to think, "Oh, so much has changed for them, and now I have to be teacher and mom/dad as well...maybe I'll just let some stuff slide." So hear me, loud and clear: DON'T DO IT. If your kids are used to your "yes being yes" and your "no being no," don't stop doing that now! Yes, they may be knee-jerking back to their survival responses, but that's no reason to let things slide. In fact, they need consistency from you, now more than ever. They need to know that even though it seems like the whole world is going crazy, you (and the family rules and expectations) remain the same. That's something they can count on, and one of the easiest things for you to provide. Trust me, you will both be happier. 

There will be hard days and difficult weeks. There will be times when a child acts out and you are already about to lose it and your response will be less than stellar (don't ask me how I know that, just know that it's safe to assume I'm speaking from experience!), but don't give up and don't dwell on it. Apologize when you blow up, model humility, seek forgiveness (theirs and God's) and use this time to grow closer as a family. Look at it as an opportunity to learn more about them, to really get involved in their education - not just triage their crisis busywork, and to spend time together as a family. Play games, make popcorn, go outside in your backyard, serve ice cream for snack, plant a garden, and say "yes" more often than you say "no" (I even said "yes" to making SLIME!!). It may be that this period of uncertainty in the world will help cement you as a certainty in their lives.