Can I Trust God?

As the parent of an almost-adult teenager, I find myself up against new challenges on a regular basis. How much freedom is too much? How much restriction will push her over the line to rebellion? How is being a teenager different now than it was 30 years ago? What will others think of the choices I'm making as a parent? And the most surprising of all (to me)...can I really trust God when it feels like the floor is continually falling out from underneath me? 

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

When what I thought I knew I am no longer sure of, can I still trust God? When my heart is wrenched out of my body, twisted, stepped on, and shoved back in by the choices and actions of those I care about, does God still have a plan, and can I trust Him to follow through with it? As an INTJ, is my sensible, logical way not better for her? Won't it keep her safe from harm, and isn't that really what we want? Can I really trust God with THIS? 

This is hard. This isn't in a book. There are no standard answers because there are no standard people. We are all unique, we are all different...and yet we are all made in the image of God. So, in the end, the answer to my big question - can I trust God? - is yes. But what does that look like? 

• First of all, it looks like spending quite a bit more time in His Word. It's hard to trust someone you don't really know, and one of the best ways to know God is to saturate yourself in His love letter to us - the Bible. 
• It also involves quite a bit more communication in the form of prayer. But not just praying that God will do things your way, rather, praying for God's will to be done, asking Him to change you (rather than the person you're praying for), and then being still long enough to hear from His Spirit.
• There's some necessary introspection as well. Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? Do you recall your own frustrations and missteps? And more than that, do you remember what you learned from them? What if your parents swooped in and protected you from the fallout? Would you have learned in the same way? My guess is, no, you wouldn't have.
• And finally, looking back at what God has already done. This is why pillars of remembrance, whether physical (pile of rocks or shelf full of journals) or mental, are so important, because we, like the Israelites, are a forgetful people. But when you can look back and see what God has already done, the prayers He has already answered, the ways He has led you before, it's easier to believe that He will do it again. 

So, can I trust God? Can I trust Him when I receive that call at midnight? Can I trust Him when a child runs blindly towards the world? Can I trust Him to give me wisdom when the time comes? Yes, I can. Why? Because He's done it before. Because He saved me from my own stupid choices. Because when I fervently seek Him, He is faithful to respond. Because both the Old and New Testaments are filled with this truth, this hope that is ours if we so choose to accept it. 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Pr. 3:5-6)

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Heb. 13:8)

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in You. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD Himself, is the Rock eternal. (Is. 26:3-4) 

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. (Rom. 8:28) 

Will it be easy? No. Will there be days when you want to take over again, because clearly God didn't get the memo about your plan for your kids (or your life)? Yes. Will you still wake up at 3 AM every night of the week and be faced with the choice to trust Him again or wallow in your pit of "what ifs"? I'm not going to lie, this may quite possibly continue to happen (even as I'm learning to let go and trust Him, this is still a nightly battle for me). But GOD is faithful. GOD is trustworthy. GOD is good, even when all you can see in the moment is darkness. 

Rejoice always, pray continually, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God for you, in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Confessions from a Navel Gazer

I threatened to run away from home today. #TrueStory

And when a child requested food from a local restaurant (and gave me money for it), I practically threw myself in the car and talked to God all the way there, because I knew my attitude wasn't coming from Him. I knew what opportunities I had at home to show love and practice service, and I know Satan would love nothing more than to keep me gazing at my navel. And for a moment there...he won. But just for a moment.

Loving your neighbor is hard when the neighbor takes you for granted. It's hard when the neighbor complains. It's hard when the neighbor makes poor choices and refuses to accept responsibility for them. It's hard when your neighbor can point out all of your flaws, but ignores the things they need to work through. But guess what? There are no caveats to the call to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. #LoveGodLovePeople

And so I didn't "take the money and run," rather I confessed my bad attitude to the Lord as I drove to the restaurant, and asked Him to help me love through Him and because of Him. And when the next child needed something, moments after I returned home, I was able to respond with a smile and kind words - not because of me, but because of Him.

The thing I realized on my short car ride is that I'm still me. I might be an adoptive, homeschooling, self-employed mom of five, but I'm still an introvert who gets totally worn out, and who wearies from the constant noise and busyness. I'm still an INTJ who struggles when those around me are neither reasonable nor rational. The idea of picking up and moving somewhere totally new, where no one knows me or knows my story, can be quite appealing to me, depending on the day. To start over, and become whatever I want to be...how fun would that be? And yet...it wouldn't. Because my story is here. It's filled with kids who need love and compassion and attention, and it's filled with hurting and broken people (much like myself) who need a listening ear and a safe place to land. It requires dying to self if I want to truly live, and ultimately, that's far better than the temporary high of doing what it is that I want to do (or what I *think* I want to do).

So when your to-do list is long and your cares are many, when your children are bringing you to your knees and you don't think you can handle one more piece of unsolicited advice from people who mean well, but can't possibly understand your unique situation... guess what? You're not alone. And in those times, God sustains. It's okay to get in the car and tell God you want to drive away and never come back because He can handle hearing that (and your kids cannot). It's okay to sigh and cry and wonder what another life would have looked like because He already knows you're thinking it. 

But once you've had your moment, it's time to stop gazing at your navel. Yes, life is challenging. Some days you may want to chuck it all, throw the car in gear, and see how far that 1/2 tank of gas will get you. We've all been there, but we needn't stay there. In fact, let's not, okay? Let's quit pulling the lint out of our belly buttons and stuffing our poor me pillows, and start recognizing the Spiritual battle we are in on a daily basis. The battle to choose self or choose obedience. The battle to gaze longingly at the brick pits of Egypt or gaze upwardly at the gates of Heaven. Which will you choose today? If you need to get in your car and go buy some fries while you think about it, that's okay. I've been there. 

Here's to choosing well and loving boldly.