But then again, neither is being a parent. Or dealing with illness. Or caring for aging family members. Or being single when you want to be married. Or being in a difficult marriage. Or being a widow when you wanted to grow old together. Life is full of challenges or, as our pastor said yesterday, trials.
But do you know Who's standing right in the middle of those trials, holding out His hand and asking you, "Do you trust Me?" Oh friends...trust Jesus! When you can't see the forest for the trees, when you find yourself responding more and more out of human motivations and frustrations, when the darkness is closing in and the light seems out of reach...JESUS IS THERE.
Three years ago, I couldn't see the light. I couldn't even imagine standing where we are today as a family. The sludge of daily life was sucking me downward, and my anger at God for this calling He placed on our lives was threatening to overtake me as I struggled to love five unlovable kids. I wanted my old life back. I wanted easy. I wanted freedom. I wanted the familiar. Have you been there? Or perhaps you're there even now, as you read this.
Here's the good news for those of you in the midst of the muck: it can get better, but only through total surrender. Not because of any book or blog you read. Not because you discipline consistently or love unconditionally or pray faithfully, but because God is in the people-changing business. Oh, to be sure, those things can help, and God can use them as tools to instruct us, but it is only when we stop striving on our own - depending only on those things (if I just read the right book, if I find the right counselor, if I take the right class, if I follow the right schedule...) - that we experience growth and maturity and can see the hands of God at work.
Yesterday I found myself frustrated with one of the kids, and ready to respond out of that feeling, but one of the things that God has been teaching me since becoming a parent is that I need to be still a whole lot more often and let Him run the conversation. In fact, for the last few months it has been my daily prayer that I would be Spirit-led, not Carrie-led. The result last night was a deep and fulfilling, real and raw conversation that would not have taken place had I responded in the way I wanted to originally.
Three years ago, I couldn't see the light. I couldn't even imagine standing where we are today as a family. The sludge of daily life was sucking me downward, and my anger at God for this calling He placed on our lives was threatening to overtake me as I struggled to love five unlovable kids. I wanted my old life back. I wanted easy. I wanted freedom. I wanted the familiar. Have you been there? Or perhaps you're there even now, as you read this.
Here's the good news for those of you in the midst of the muck: it can get better, but only through total surrender. Not because of any book or blog you read. Not because you discipline consistently or love unconditionally or pray faithfully, but because God is in the people-changing business. Oh, to be sure, those things can help, and God can use them as tools to instruct us, but it is only when we stop striving on our own - depending only on those things (if I just read the right book, if I find the right counselor, if I take the right class, if I follow the right schedule...) - that we experience growth and maturity and can see the hands of God at work.
Yesterday I found myself frustrated with one of the kids, and ready to respond out of that feeling, but one of the things that God has been teaching me since becoming a parent is that I need to be still a whole lot more often and let Him run the conversation. In fact, for the last few months it has been my daily prayer that I would be Spirit-led, not Carrie-led. The result last night was a deep and fulfilling, real and raw conversation that would not have taken place had I responded in the way I wanted to originally.
As I lay in bed afterwards, I thought about three years ago with this same child. I thought about the tears I cried as I asked God over and over why He made me go through this; why He put any of these kids in our lives, but specifically this one. I could never see myself loving this child, never imagine life being anything but difficult. Despite all the lessons God taught me about trusting Him in the time leading up to our adoption, in the middle of the trials God grew small in my mind once again, unconsciously thinking that He wasn't big enough to change this child—or even change me.
As I lay there last night and thought about the conversation that had just taken place with this same child - after a day of difficulty - I knew why He ALLOWED me to do this. Because, friends, this season of difficulty and trials wasn't something God made me do, but something that He has used to refine and mature me. THIS has purpose. THIS has meaning. THIS is why I was put on this earth—not to do what I want and follow my own path. Not to self-care my way through life, thinking only of what makes me feel good, but to DIE to self, to LIVE for Christ. To pick up my cross daily, and surrender to His plans; to be a vessel that He can use in the lives of these children, and others, for His glory.
So maybe you didn't choose singleness or widowhood. Maybe your plans didn't include caring for aging parents or battling the darkness of depression or spending months in the hospital with a sick child. Well, guess what? I never wanted to be a mother, and yet here I am. Why? Because God knew that left to my own devices, I would happily wallow in the mire of selfish love, while speaking loftily of the need to point people to Christ. What I have learned through fear and anxiety, adoption and parenthood, is it is only when we get to the end of ourselves that we discover the power that is found in Him. Growth comes in the darkness. Hallelujah!
