The Adopted Mother's Day

I've been dreading this coming Sunday (Mother's Day in the United States) ever since we first decided to adopt. 

Every year, our pastor always talks about how Mother's Day can be a bitter-sweet day for everyone. Some people (like me) were blessed with incredible, Godly moms who trained us up, loved us unconditionally, and still stand like pillars in our lives. Others dealt with abusive moms, absent moms, sick moms, emotionally unstable moms, unsaved moms - making Mother's Day a day that they do not look forward to because it's hard to honor the women who gave birth to them.

And then there are women for whom Mother's Day is just another reminder of their inability to be a biological mom for various reasons (infertility, never married, multiple miscarriages), and this day pours salt in wounds. For sixteen years, I am pretty sure people looked at me as I sat in church on Mother's Day and felt pity for a situation that did not exist in our home. As I've shared before, I never had any desire to be a mother, so it has never been a negative or difficult day for me because we were kid-free by choice.

When we finally decided to walk in obedience to God's calling, I recall one of the first conversations we had, being about how much we were both going to hate the hoopla around Mother's/Father's day - especially our first of either. You see, it's hard to be excited about celebrating something you never wanted, and being the INTJs that we are, we don't fake it well. Ol' "poker face" here doesn't hide what I'm thinking, and when people express excitement about something that doesn't excite me, they usually get a half-smile and a non-committal, "uh huh...," which leaves them wondering what my problem is. Welcome to my life.

It's already started - the "Oh my goodness! Your FIRST Mother's Day!!" comments - and I have been stammering and stuttering in my responses, trying to be kind, but royally failing. And although I was expecting the knee-jerk reaction of, "Nooooo!!! Don't be excited about this for me! I haven't been looking forward to this all my life." what I wasn't expecting was how I feel defensive of our kids. The need to protect them from all Mother's Day hoopla has taken me by surprise. 

You see, from where I stand, I see five kids who have lived with us for eight months, a relatively short amount of time compared to the rest of their lives thus far. I see certain kids who didn't want to be adopted - by us, or anyone else - but who have come a long way towards having something that resembles a healthy adult/child relationship. I see a daughter who might very well call me "Carrie" for the rest of my life, and for whom the title of "mother" is reserved for the woman who gave birth to her. I see kids who call me "Mom" half the time, and "Carrie" the other half - the title of "mom" being what they call the newest caregiver in their short lives. And there have been many before me. It may feel like a betrayal of their former life, it may feel forced when everyone around them is making plans for their moms, it may hurt that when their lives have been uprooted and changed, it is the woman who did the uprooting who gets the spotlight. This year, Mother's Day may be a little bit uncomfortable for more than just me. 

Earlier this week, we attended a "May Day" school performance for our middle daughter. Towards the end of the evening, the 5th grade class did a song which included holding up framed baby pictures of themselves - inciting ohs and ahs from most of the audience. And while tissues were coming out all around me I sat there, with my husband holding the 4 year old on his lap, the 8 year old between us, the 6 year old to my right, and the 12 year old hundreds of miles away on a school trip, and thought, "Our kids could never do that, because those photos don't exist."

The earliest photos we have of them are grainy, scanned in images from their original adoption file, taken about a year before we met them. I don't know what my kids looked like as babies. We don't have a hallway of 1-year photos. I've only just framed their first school photos from the U.S. so that we have something to look at later. For almost 12 years of her life, there's a void of photographic history for our oldest daughter. When I get to the "family history" section on medical forms, I have to write, "None known." When I'm asked about allergies, the best answer I have is, "We haven't seen any reactions yet."  These are the things I think about at Mother's Day.

People often praise us for the step we took in adopting our five kids, but the fact is: we're not their saviors. Our job isn't to swoop in so that we can now celebrate two new holidays, it was to step in and follow the direction of our Savior, and to point these kids to Him as the most important Father they could ever meet. It's our responsibility and privilege to share our adoption stories as a son and daughter of the Almighty God, and to talk about it when we sit at home, and as we walk (or drive) along the road. My job for the moment is to show them the Love of Jesus, whether they call me "Mom," "Carrie," or (as happened one morning after I laid down the law when we were late for school), "Cruella DeVil".

Every day I am doing my best to mother these kids for Jesus, so if you see me on Sunday, please don't forget our kids. Rather than praising me for being obedient to God, show them that they are loved and wanted, not only by their adoptive parents, but by the Body of Christ. This is my Mother's Day wish.


  1. Absolutely love your perspectives.

  2. Painfully honest and beautiful. Despite celebrating them to some extent, I would live my life happily onward without branded holidays. (Believe me, my 6 year old does NOT want to celebrate me after the morning we just had!) Holidays like this are forced and can be so difficult for many people. Can't we just revel in the honest moments? Like when the kids bring home the crumpled handful of wildflowers or whisper a sleepy sweetness right before they fall asleep. I'm inspired by your story because you listened to God's nudging and followed through - I hope I will recognize His call and do the same. Thank you for your honesty in what happens "after the leap" - it is powerful and challenges me. You have 5 other beautiful lives involved in your story now, and it will be a totally imperfect, wonderful mess. Despite all the "no thanks" you describe, you are a mother now. Maybe not recognized by yourself or your children (Forget that ridiculous holiday! Just stay in for the day and eat ice cream and watch movies!) but I do wish you a million of those tiny glimmers of love that encourage you onward, and I wish the same for your children! Let them feel those glimmers all the way to their toes!

    1. I appreciate your words, Kristi. I'm all for glimmers - and there are days when the glimmers of previous times are what keep me moving forward. :)

  3. Yes. And do you know what I see as I read this? You being the mom that they need, right now. The mom who doesn't pressure them to be sentimental, who is trying to protect their hearts, who respects their stories (the positives and the hard), and who doesn't get angry if they call you Carrie. Being a mom isn't about the Hallmark moments, it's about the million minutes of love that don't look sweet enough to put on the front of a card. I know something about INTJ's who didn't pine away for motherhood (I am one) and I can't help thinking that God made this match on purpose. And that your love for them will grow so much deeper than you can envision (not being the sappy type). And I suspect a mother who is choosing to love them is better for them than a mother who needed them desperately to fill an empty spot in her own heart.
    Susie Legg

    1. Susie - that means a whole lot coming from you. Peter and I both agree that it was no coincidence that God put these two INTJs together, and then asked them to take on 5 kids who need people who care more about God getting their hearts than filling any personal voids. People often say that they don't know how we do this... I say, "God gives you what you need, when you need it, and He also gave us our personalities." :) Continued prayers for you and your family.

  4. God knew EXACTLY what He was doing when He chose YOU to be their mom! Your obedience to listening to the Holy Spirit is a beautiful thing and doesn't go unnoticed! I have a good friend, Sunny, who reminds me so much of you and your stories of motherhood are very similar. She never wanted to be a mother, yet, God burdened her heart for a 16 year old girl in the foster care system. They adopted her and took on the role as "mom and dad"... It's messy and hard and she is brutally honest about it... AND God is smack dab in the middle of it. I just love that we serve a God who is so personal and intentional at using our personalities, gifts, quirks, and pasts to shine through us! He shines through you Carrie. From one adoptive mama to another... I get that it ks HARD all the while God's story. I wish you a happy Mother's Day- not a sappy one, but one stood with you in solidarity because doing God's will is stinkin' tough some days!


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