And when a child requested food from a local restaurant (and gave me money for it), I practically threw myself in the car and talked to God all the way there, because I knew my attitude wasn't coming from Him. I knew what opportunities I had at home to show love and practice service, and I know Satan would love nothing more than to keep me gazing at my navel. And for a moment there...he won. But just for a moment.
Loving your neighbor is hard when the neighbor takes you for granted. It's hard when the neighbor complains. It's hard when the neighbor makes poor choices and refuses to accept responsibility for them. It's hard when your neighbor can point out all of your flaws, but ignores the things they need to work through. But guess what? There are no caveats to the call to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. #LoveGodLovePeople
And so I didn't "take the money and run," rather I confessed my bad attitude to the Lord as I drove to the restaurant, and asked Him to help me love through Him and because of Him. And when the next child needed something, moments after I returned home, I was able to respond with a smile and kind words - not because of me, but because of Him.
The thing I realized on my short car ride is that I'm still me. I might be an adoptive, homeschooling, self-employed mom of five, but I'm still an introvert who gets totally worn out, and who wearies from the constant noise and busyness. I'm still an INTJ who struggles when those around me are neither reasonable nor rational. The idea of picking up and moving somewhere totally new, where no one knows me or knows my story, can be quite appealing to me, depending on the day. To start over, and become whatever I want to be...how fun would that be? And yet...it wouldn't. Because my story is here. It's filled with kids who need love and compassion and attention, and it's filled with hurting and broken people (much like myself) who need a listening ear and a safe place to land. It requires dying to self if I want to truly live, and ultimately, that's far better than the temporary high of doing what it is that I want to do (or what I *think* I want to do).
So when your to-do list is long and your cares are many, when your children are bringing you to your knees and you don't think you can handle one more piece of unsolicited advice from people who mean well, but can't possibly understand your unique situation... guess what? You're not alone. And in those times, God sustains. It's okay to get in the car and tell God you want to drive away and never come back because He can handle hearing that (and your kids cannot). It's okay to sigh and cry and wonder what another life would have looked like because He already knows you're thinking it.
But once you've had your moment, it's time to stop gazing at your navel. Yes, life is challenging. Some days you may want to chuck it all, throw the car in gear, and see how far that 1/2 tank of gas will get you. We've all been there, but we needn't stay there. In fact, let's not, okay? Let's quit pulling the lint out of our belly buttons and stuffing our poor me pillows, and start recognizing the Spiritual battle we are in on a daily basis. The battle to choose self or choose obedience. The battle to gaze longingly at the brick pits of Egypt or gaze upwardly at the gates of Heaven. Which will you choose today? If you need to get in your car and go buy some fries while you think about it, that's okay. I've been there.
Here's to choosing well and loving boldly.
Thanks. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for being real. I was on Linkedin today, which I almost never am. I saw a message I sent to Peter back in 2017. I clicked the link he sent me then and came here to see your current thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI am consciously working on choosing heaven. Sometimes I end up standing in front of the fridge or pantry wondering what it is that I want, only to realize that it is heaven and I can't find it there. Yes, sometimes, when done well, God can give appetizers of heaven even through an earthly fridge or pantry. But often the right answer is to live with the longing even though it takes intentionality and energy. Often times I have to live with the longing longer than I want. I have to wait for God to give me an appetizer and be satisfied with it while I wait for the wedding feast. Rather than being disappointed, angry, frustrated, etc because I want to be fully satisfied now in ways that are currently not possible. I don't want to wait.
And yet I am an urgent idealist seeking all that God does offer here which requires a group of people choosing it together even if it includes weird externals. Like discomfort, like loving broken people, like giving them grace, like admitting I are more like them than I want to admit and being grateful when they put up with me, etc. And yet we need to go together. And there are not nearly enough people signing up.
Keep on keeping on. I pray for the day when I am mature enough to say with Paul, "light and momentary" "light and momentary". No big deal. If the appetizers are this good I will trust this God of ours to believe in faith that the wedding banquet is going to be so much better that it is worth these minor inconveniences. Even if I don't get to glimpse the banquet like Paul probably did. I also choose to seek, by faith, to take Paul's word for it. I am not there yet. I am working on it. I am so very thankful that God continues to patiently work with me, to help me not to conform to this broken world, and to transform my thinking to the ways of heaven, so that I can know (and do) His will. (So that hopefully more people will sign up for the whole package now so that they can have the whole package then.)
Keep on keeping on!
Matthew