"This should be obvious, but..." Advice from an Adoptive Mom of 5

People who know we adopted 5 kids have often asked me if I have any advice for other families who are looking to adopt. I find this to be a difficult question to answer because there's so much I want to say that would be utterly and completely against every adoption book or training we read or received while in this years-long process. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut, and turn down offers to share on blogs and social accounts, because our story is really just the story of God working through two broken vessels. 

In the end, our great big parenting secret involves reading the Bible, and choosing to obey it. When we were at a loss - and there have been many, many times when we have looked at each other and said, "What in the WORLD do we do?!" - God has brought a specific verse or passage to mind, giving us clarity and insight into how to apply it in our particular situation. God's Word is the best parenting handbook out there, whether you gave birth to your children or someone else did.

Advice point #2: You want to adopt or have a biological child? Get on your knees NOW. We would not be where we are today if we had tried to rely on the wisdom of man, whether that be ours, or someone else's. These kids - just like all kids, biological or adopted - belong to God, and He has given them to us for a period of time to teach and love and nurture and instruct. We knew nothing about being a parent - just like all first-time parents - and we have relied on the strength and wisdom of God to guide us, because He knows these kids better than we do. Parenting methods, cultural norms, and social biases may change, but God is the SAME - yesterday, today, and forever.

Another piece of the puzzle is to recognize individuality. Whether you're adopting one kid or five, or if you're raising biological kids, keep this in mind: no two kids are alike. Sure, some of our kids have similar personalities, but each one responds differently to correction, and the choice of corrective measure changes based on what makes each kid tick. In our five, we have a broad spectrum of personalities. One child wants to be in the center of every activity, telling everyone what to do and how to do it right - so to remove that child from the situation and go to another room is pure torture because they are no longer in control. Another child will listen to your reasons for changing behavior, and then usually removes herself to a solitary location to think it over and/or calm down. The point is: you can ask other parents what they do, but in the end you just have to get to know your own kids and then do what works best for each child. Yes, it takes work. It's called, "being a parent" - so deal with it and do it.

Finally, there's all the unsolicited advice you will receive. While people mean well (most of the time), the fact of the matter is - they aren't in your shoes. Like the Madagascar penguins, just smile and wave, boys, smile and wave. After four years with our kids, my parents (who also raised five children - all biological) finally came to me and said, "We had no idea what you were getting into. We've never dealt with what you're dealing with. And we have no advice to give you, because God is clearly giving you what you need for these kids." Yes, thank you. He has, He is, and He will. 

But to tell people to butt out or mind their own business won't get you anywhere either, so when those folks come along and tell you how to do it better or do it differently, grit your teeth, thank them for their input, and maybe even spend some time considering what they've said and if there's any merit to it at all. Because sometimes there is. Sometimes you are blind to a situation because you're right in the middle of it, living with it day in and day out. Sometimes you're just surviving. And so be open to the idea that, just maybe, there may be a nugget of truth in what they say. As I've been known to tell various kids on occasion: be willing to be wrong. If you can't be wrong, you can't learn. 

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TALK TO ME! If you've ever adopted or had children, if you were adopted, or if you've worked with children or are a childless individual who has ideas (because, believe it or not, a bunch of the theories we had before becoming parents, were actually valid - just because you're not a parent, doesn't mean you can't see an issue or offer a suggestion!), what would you add? I'd love to hear from you...even if we disagree. 😊